Robert Pattinson Teaches How To Beat Up Dogs

robert-pattinson, celeb-jihad

Robert Pattinson wants to teach you how to beat up dogs! “It is surprisingly easy” says the actor.

What started as a hobby for Pattinson has turned into a full grown obsession.

“Let’s be honest I’m cowardly and feeble, I don’t stand a chance in a fight with most humans. That is why I just love beating up dogs! They are so small and trusting, and they know very little about modern fighting techniques and weapons. After mopping the floor with a mangy mutt I finally feel like a big man.” said RPatz.

Now Robert Pattinson wants to share his love with the world, by teaching everyone about the joys of dog ass-kicking. And what better way to reach the people then a late night infomercial! The infomercial for Robert Pattinson’s “How To Beat Up Dogs” DVD will start airing in early November in select local markets.

“We are concentrating our marketing efforts in the suburbs of Fort Wayne, IN and Great Falls, MO, because we’ve heard that they have some real sass-mouthed canines there that need to be put in their place. But we hope to expand to larger markets like Baton Rogue and Sacramento by Christmas time.”

The Twilight star concluded by saying, “Don’t take guff from dogs like a chump. Buy my DVD today!”