Justin Bieber Beats Selena Gomez In Epic Dyke Off

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Over a tense, twice rain-delayed five hours, Justin Bieber beat second place Selena Gomez by 1.3 seconds in the Speedworld Dyke Off 400.

Twice Bieber came from the very back of the pack to swing through traffic with startling ease. Early on she survived her clit getting punctured (fixed up, in part with duct tape). Another time she battled past a disastrous pit stop (lug nut got stuck in Bieber’s ass).

At one point Bieber swooped low, making it four-wide to pass three dykes in the blink of an eye. She was hell on wheels off restarts. A stunning 118 times she climaxed someone, all the while she never stopped barking and trash talking – “Kicking ass!” she once shouted into her head set.

She was, as day turned to night, the best of everything Justin Bieber is about – unapologetically competing at the very edge of what’s possible, risking, without a hint of concern, complete disaster in the pursuit of total glory.