How to Get To Hell; By Chris Penn’s Ghost


Hi, I’m Chris Penn’s Ghost! I’ll see you in Hell if…..


  1. By age 42 you can make your heart implode from eating nothing but prime rib and drinking nothing but rare, mid-western whiskey…
  2. You can single handedly supply Madonna’s wedding with amphetamines, codeine, morphine, marijuana, an assortment of valium and 2 1/2 kilos of Bolivian coke…
  3. You’re into seducing and servicing three underage chicks while simultaneously rehearsing lines for your role as Tommy Onerato on the hit T.V. series Law & Order; Criminal Intent
  4. While hanging out at the Playboy mansion you have mistaken Quentin Tarantino for a playmate. Then, while under the influence of alcohol and a cocktail of low-end meds, you’ve picked up said director and personally became responsible for his bald spot by pulling on his hair from behind…if you know what I mean…
  5. You’ve ever been too lazy to use a regular gas grill and instead used a 273 ft. long extension cord to hook up your George Foreman grill directly next to your poolside lawn chair, thereby enabling yourself to reach down and grab hotdog after delicious hotdog. Then, due to the mustard all over your hands that wound up getting on the outlet you were using, the fuse shorted out and burnt down just over half of the condo association you were living in, killing a few and injuring several others…..

There you have it.

If you do wind up making it down here, great! Look for me. I’m usually at the dog track giving myself a hand job all over the tellers face….ohh before I forget, I’ll personally show you the ropes in lovely Hell if you bring me the gift of all gifts; Astroglide.

Till then…

Yours truly,
Chris Penn’s Ghost