4 Ways to Make the 4th of July Great Again

The 4th of July holiday is an affront to Muslims everywhere. I should know. I speak for all Muslims, even the filthy Shi’ites and wretched Sufi (may Allah smite them with all his might).

Not only is the 4th of July the manifestation of the Great Satan (The United States), but the various aspects of the holiday are extremely insulting to the faithful. From drinking beer to eating pork to watching their scantly clad daughters play with the family dog, each year the infidels find new and inventive ways to mock Allah.

Now, I’m not one to point out problems without offering solutions, so here are five ways America can, Allah willing, improve the 4th of July.


Problem: Fireworks

Not only are fireworks loud and dangerous, but they are strictly forbidden by the Qur’an, especially sparklers. “Thou shall have no illuminations in the sky, nor sticks with ends that sparkle. Such creations are an abomination.”

Solution: Qur’an Memoriaztion

Next year, instead of lighting off fireworks, try converting to Islam and memorizing various chapters of the Qur’an. Your children may bristle at the idea of reading on a holiday. If this happens, try beating them.


Problem: Beer and Barbecue

Both the consumption of alcohol and the eating of pork make Allah madder than a Jew on a Palestinian aid flotilla. Unless you want to spend an eternity in hell, cease these wicked practices immediately.

Solution: Goat, Falafel and Water

Instead of insulting Allah with booze and bacon, why not eat some delicious goat and drink a nice cool glass of water. Round out your meal with some delicious chickpea balls, and, Allah willing, you’ll never think about eating swine again (keep in mind, it is a sin to think about eating swine).


Bitches (Both Kinds)

Unless television is lying, it seems like every 4th of July party is held near a pool surrounded by scantly clad girls in bikinis. The only thing Allah hates more than loose women are dogs, which always seem to be hanging out in American back yards! The creatures are filthy, and should not be kept as pets. Dogs are also frowned upon.

Solution: Burqa’s and Bullets

Control your women! I can’t stress that enough. The reason there are so many rapes in the western world is because you allow your women to leave the house and talk to the authorities. This wouldn’t happen if they were locked in their rooms, where they belong.

Also, it’s time to say bye-doh to Fido. Take your beloved family dog into the woods and shoot it in the head. Bring the kids along and make a fun game out of it. Allah demands no less!


Problem: Patriotism

The 4th of July is nothing more than a jingoistic display of militarism designed to cloak American atrocities against the Muslim world under the veil of patriotism.

Solution: Full Withdrawal From the Middle East

If you really want to make next year a special 4th of July, you should remove all of your troops from the mid-east and withdrawal all support for the state of Israel and its puppet regimes in Egypt, Pakistan, etc. You might also consider trying all current and former U.S. military personnel with war crimes.

Those are my tips for the 4th of July. Implement them or face the consequences. And remember, if a “moderate” Muslim disputes any of my claims, please email me his name and address at once. He is a trader to his faith and must be dealt with.

Happy 4th of July from Celebjihad.com.